I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize