Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
