You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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