We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
