it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
