i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
