can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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