Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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