That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
