Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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