If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize