you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
