that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
