First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
