He passed out mid-signature
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
