Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
