Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i drank out of a bidet.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
