i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
