I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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