I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
