her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
