or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
