I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
