I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
