My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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