I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
