Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
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