I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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