This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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