mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
