Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
