she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
