I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
