Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
