Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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