Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
