sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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