Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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