did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
