oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
