It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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