Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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