My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
