the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
