I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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