I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
