when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
