I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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