her vagine was all disorganized.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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