It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
