Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
