What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
