Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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