I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
