i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
We need to feng shui this bitch.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
