i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
