This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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