That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
