I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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