When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
